Bed Bugs: A Love Story

There’s nothing wrong with being single. Despite what you may have heard from others who gave up on their lives to settle down with someone they are statistically more than likely to divorce within five years, not being partnered probably means you have an active social life. You may be knocking off a new gash every night, but doing so may put you at a greater risk for bed bugs in your social circle.

Statistically, you increase your odds just by going out more than those locked down on a life sentence of marriage. Every night is a new adventure for you in the single life, rather than improvising you have any interest in what your spouse is telling you…again. Multiply those odds if you have a roommate. Multiply them again if you have more than one.  Now keep multiplying for each intimate partner you hook up with at your place – and don’t forget to count the random strays brought in by your roommates. Why count the intimate hook ups? Remember the “bed” part in “bed bugs”. You can look at a bed bug transmission as the latest advance on STDs. Not only do you have to worry about you’re sleeping with  and who they slept with, but now you have to factor in where those booty calls have slept physically. How many beds were they hoping in before they hoped into yours?  And you thought you just had to worry about crabs, huh? Well, there is a new bug in town, and it may do a lot more than make your genitals itchy.

I once treated the apartment of a man who kept getting bed bugs even after his apartment had been cleared by a canine inspection. I grilled him and his girlfriend again and again about where they hung out, if there was anyone in their lives who had bed bugs – no, nobody, it was a real mystery.  It turns out the guy had not one, but two other girlfriends besides the one he was living with. One of these women (and it only takes one) had a roommate with bed bugs. Mystery solved! The relationship? Not so much. The stud didn’t think he’d get caught because he had been using protection, but little did he know that that his skanks packed more of an entourage than he expected. Maybe it wasn’t herpes, but these bed bugs were sticking around just as long as those blisters would have on his lip.

The point is, the more contact you have with people’s space and belongings, the greater chance of getting them. Why do you think booty motels charge by the hour? They know how dirty they are. They’re giving you a bargain because they know exterminators are expensive. Maybe you didn’t get your hook up pregnant, but you’re definitely going home with a memento!

I’m not trying to scare you into settling down. I’m not telling you to look at your girlfriend and say, “Let’s get married so we cut down on our chances of getting bed bugs”. But abstinence will certainly help your body and your soul. Seriously, who am I kidding. Put as many notches as you can in your bed post, but when you start to get the itchy feeling, the first call you make shouldn’t be the doctor. It should be the pest control exterminator!

Phil Brooks is a canine trainer, handler and inspector for Jersey City Pest Control. He has wrtitten numerous articles on the topic of bed bug dog inspections and treatments.