Everyone loves a biscuit, but not everyone knows that biscuits are so much more than biscuits. In the business world, these little nibbles transform into mighty tools for persuasion: If you can learn how to harness their power the right way, I guarantee you success in your life.
The hard sell: Digestives
Digestives send a clear message: Business is business. Any expenditure dilutes your profits and your colleagues most likely already know this. You are concerned with making more money, faster, then some more money, and even more money after that.
If you had saved up all the money from biscuits spent at meetings and presentations, you could have bought a new ergonomic keyboard after a year or so. People could have shared the keyboard, one day at a time, but they wanted biscuits instead. Business comes first; they’re lucky biscuits are there at all.
The Convincer: Hobnobs
The Hobnob: The trendy gentleman of all biscuits. Get the Hobnobs out and everyone will know that you mean business. You have gone to the trouble of a specialist biscuit choice, and a premium business choice at that, so no-one is going to mess with you.
The size of the Hobnob and its crumbly texture puts you at a distinct advantage: Just make a note of which rival co-workers can’t do without a Hobnob in their mouth, then propose your new ideas left right and centre whilst Barry from floor 3 looks on helplessly as the crumbly biscuit goodness of defeat tumbles down his cheap polyester tie.
If any of your proposals are met with hostility, a Hobnob can be deployed skilfully to diffuse the awkward situation.
The Risk Taker: Jammy Dodgers
Whoa there, do you have the necessary qualifications to be handling Jammy Dodgers?
Unless you work in graphic design you need to be very careful in how you utilise the Jammy Dodger. The aesthetic of a Dodger is strong and meaningful as is its sticky filling delicious.
But biscuit psychology dictates, if a person is questioning your biscuit choice beyond the reasoning of your own goodwill, you may lose out on some of the biscuit’s enigmatic and mysterious powers of persuasion.
The Tactician: Chocolate fingers
Best used in delicate situations: Maybe you are announcing an unconventional business direction through your presentation – chocolate fingers will give reassurance to your audience. Chocolate fingers will also tell them that you value traditional business structures whilst indicating that you are looking to revolutionise certain areas of it.
Subtle but confident.
The Creative: Jaffa Cakes
Are they biscuits? Are they cakes? Is this actually a meeting at all? The Jaffa cake should be used with caution. They are controversial, expensive, and a risk. Use them wisely and you will see some of the greatest business ideas ever flow effortlessly from your finance team.
A word of warning: Fail to control the meeting and you may be left with a bunch of incoherent giggling executives abusing their internet privileges. Watch out.
The Attention Seeker: Mixed plate
So, you want to please everyone do you? Let’s give people the choice of what biscuit they would like to eat themselves – well, ok, you might as well also let people start choosing WHAT WORK THEY CAN BE BOTHERED TO DO!
Are you mad?
You need to think carefully about whether you are in the right line of work, as I’m not sure you are cut out for this management gig.
In conclusion – using things like subtitling software in your presentations might seem like a great idea and they are, but do not underestimate the power of the right biscuit in the right situation. That said – people might get suspicious if you just sit in the corner eating biscuits, so just make sure you strike the right balance and mix everything up like the expert business mogul you are.
Gavin Harvey is a dedicated personal trainer, which is just as well considering his giant secret stash of biscuits. In his spare time he writes about his experiences in business for Softel Group.